if i don't say this now

I just got home from seeing Twilight. Yes, I saw it. Go ahead, make fun of me.

Got it out of your system? Okay, moving on.


So I'm sitting in the theater with my 28 year old co-worker on one side and my 40-something boss on the other side. Surrounding us to the left, right, up, down, middle were the most ANNOYING teeny-boppers that have ever walked the face of this planet. I mean, everytime a relatively hot male walked on to the screen all you would here was "AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" or "OHHHHHHHHHHYEAHHHHHHHHHHHH." The kissing scenes? Forget it. Any flicker of romance, which I will admit, was scarce, was abolished. I mean, come on, really? Are you that immature that you can't watch two people kiss without making some sort of screaming reaction?

On my drive home I got to thinking. Judging from the looks of the audience I would guess the average age was about 12 or 13. When I was that age, I was in a theater watching Rose tell Jack, "I'll never let go!" My sister, who was 10 or 11 said, "Let him go lady, he's dead." From what I remember, I cried, but anyone who's reading this and remotely knows my personality would know this is a normal reaction for me.

I don't know where I'm going with this. All I know is that I'm home now, I'm drinking a beer and I have to be back to the office in less than 12 hours.

Hello, real world.

When I was a kid, I never thought there would be a day when I wouldn't want toys for Christmas. I remember watching my mom get excited over things like clothes and perfume and thinking, "Sure, that's nice, but it's got NOTHIN' on my Barbie Mobile home!" I never fully understood how simple things like clothes, something we wore everyday, could make a person so appreciative, happy.

I guess the point of this is to say that tastes change. You grow up and realize that simple things will make you happy, no matter how simple they seem to be. So then why are the simplest things, the ones that will make you the happiest, the hardest to find?

I was walking to work tonight while it was snowing. It wasn't a harsh snow, it was actually really pleasant. That kind of snow that sticks to your eyelashes for about 1.5 seconds and then melts.

At this point, it had already been snowing for a couple of hours so there was a nice coating of it on the sidewalk. I was walking, rather carefully, and listening to Keane's, "Somewhere Only We Know." Of course I didn't wear shoes that were slip-resistant. I hit a slick spot on the snowy sidewalk and fell. I'm not talking like a graceful little, "whoopsie-poopsie," fall, I'm talking hair flying, arms waving, legs flying out from under you kind of fall.

After I hit the ground, I just laid there for a second staring at the snow falling gently all around me. And then I just started to smile.

At that moment I realized that I have not been this happy in a long time.

I decided to make a cup of tea because my stomach was bothering me. I sat on the countertop, like I normally do when I'm waiting for something in the microwave, and I was looking out the kitchen window. It was just getting dark out...and there were tons of lightning bugs. I hadn't seen that many in a long, long time. Then I saw some kids playing in the front yard of the house next to ours. No doubt they were trying to catch the lightning bugs. They were pointing, running, running and throwing their hand up in the air as if saying, "OH YEAH! I RULE! I AM THE LIGHTNING BUG MASTER!"

As I'm watching these kids running and laughing, I thought about my childhood...and how it was pretty much that exact same way. Summer nights were spent running around catching lightning bugs and playing ghost in the graveyard well into the night and the adults congregated on one families front porch. I can remember thinking that lightning bugs were magical. One moment you saw their green light, the next they seemingly vanished into thin air. The rush of trying to locate the same bug was amazing. I found myself longing for those days again. Those days were filled with laughter and innocence. Friendship was all you needed to get through the day.

Things are different now. I mean, they are supposed to be. You grow up. Things get complicated. You learn new things and as your mind expands, so do the situations you are put into. You can't control everything that you want to. You can't chase after things that "seemingly vanish." You need to chase dreams, yes, but not ones you know you can't reach. What's the point in that? It's just another heartbreak in a line of many in your life. It's not like you don't need heartbreak in your life, because you do. It helps you grow. But don't bring it upon yourself. Don't go looking for ways to disappoint yourself. Take them as they come...if they come naturally, that's just how it was supposed to be.

( Oh simple thing... )

and all at once the crowd begins to sing
sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.

I know I've written this many, many times...but I always want to go running late at night. Why? I don't get it. This is probably the least probable time that I should be outside by myself. And I know I would be listening to music and this would only make me even more vunerable.

I have a lot of things on my mind at night. That's why I'm always up so late. I've been told many, many times that I think way too much. Well I do. But how do you stop that? You can't just shut down your brain and make everything go away. I know everyone has heard the saying, "If someone is on your mind all the time, then maybe they are supposed to be there," or something along the lines of that...well that goes for more than just a "someone." That goes for everything.

And right now I'm just rambling about my thoughts on thoughts because I'm supposed to be writing a paper about a famine in the Ukraine and I can't decide how I feel about it.

That and I have The Killers, "Mr. Brightside" stuck in my head.

So my computer died yesterday. Just died. It basically went, "Bye Bye" and shut down. I tried restarting it and it kept going back and forth between some blue screen with words and some black screen with words. I called my friend whos major deals with computers (and believe me, he knows a lot about them) and he helped me out. He took it back to his apartment and reformatted the whole thing.

So right now it's like I have a new computer. It's pretty awesome, lol. I just hope that NEVER happens again.

For Public History, I have to critique a museum or website that deals with, you guessed it, public history. My professor gave us a list of things we could choose from and I thought the Illinois Statewide Marriage Index looked interesting. It's a database that contains information on most of the marriages that took place in Illinois from 1763-1900. It gives the names and ages of the bride and groom, as well as the date and county in which the marriage took place.

I wanted to try out the database because I didn't know how to elaborate a one page website into a 3-5 page paper, but I don't know any of my ancestors names. My grandparents on my dads side have both passed away and Dee...well she has never been too forthcoming with information on her family background for my mom (even when it comes to medical things, but that's a whole different entry), so I went over to my grandparents for some information. It turned out my great grandfather had started to make a family tree and my great Uncle Eddie (the Easter Bunny) kept up the tree. My grandma had a huge packet of the Tobias Family Tree from the first ones who came to America. It had information such as health problems, jobs, marriages, children, etc. She had even used the website I'm critiquing and ordered copies of marriage licenses. Since Uncle Eddie passed away this past winter, no one has assumed the role as "family historian" to keep up the tree. My grandma asked me if I would keep it up.

As silly as it may seem, I have never felt so honored in my life.

Last night was quite possibly one of the best concerts I have been to thus far.

I'm reading this book called "Confederates in the Attic" for my Public History class. I'm not that far into it, but it's been pretty interesting so far. It's about a man who travels all over the South to find out about Civil War reenactors.

Let me tell you...there are some people out there that have not gotten over the fact that the South lost. There are reenactors (who prefer to be called "living historians") who won't eat anything unless it was around during the war. They starve themselves until they are the weight of those who fought in the war. They only wear clothes that resemble that of a Confederate soldier. They have meetings and groups that honor the Confederate leaders.

I understand learning about your past...but actually living it? I'm not so sure I agree with that. It happened over 140 years ago. Maybe it's because I've grown up in the North and I don't understand how they feel about the war, but some of that is just ridiculous.

It has begun.

IS CLOSED!
Holy shit I can't believe it.

EIU NEVER has snow days. Ever.
Until TODAY!

The last time they cancelled classes was after the winter break of 1970...and that was because they didn't have enough coal to heat the buildings. And they were cancelled for ten days.

The best part: I WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE AN EXAM IN RUSSIAN HISTORY TODAY!!!

I was channel surfing at 4:30 this morning because I couldn't sleep. I came across a cartoon I used to watch when I was a kid...Voltron. I can remember watching it at my old house, which means I was no older than 5. I used to have a whole morning line-up: Voltron, Scooby-Doo, The Smurfs, Ghostbusters and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Voltron is a lot like Power Rangers...a team of teenagers who set out to save the world against the ugly looking bad guys. They even had mechanical lions that transformed into one mega-superhero.
As I was watching this cartoon, I could remember my 4 year old self thinking that the pink one and the red one should fall in love and get married. I must have thought about it a lot if my 21 year old mind could remember it.

And I came to the conclusion: Even at a young age, I was a hopeless romantic.

( The crowd beings to sing )

I have to read this book for my Public History class that is the results of a survey conducted by 2 men (300 pages...that's one long result). They asked a random sample of people questions relating to how they feel closest to their past. Most people said that they did not learn the most from school or books, but from family gatherings and such where people tell stories about years before.
I personally can not say that I feel the same way. It's probably because my mother was adopted, so we don't know much about her side and on my dad's side...well...we don't see them often. I hear a lot of stories about the past when we do get together with my mom's adoptive side, but it's technically not MY past. It's great knowing how things were back then, don't get me wrong I love the stories and learning about how things were, but I don't feel like I know myself at all. I don't know about ancestors and where they came from. I don't know anything.

I think these lyrics sum up most of my past year:

Why do I have to fly
over every town up and down the line?
I'll die in the clouds above
and you that I defend, I do not love.

Where will I meet my fate?
Baby I'm a man, I was born to hate.
And when will I meet my end?
In a better time you could be my friend.

I wake up, it's a bad dream,
No one on my side.
I was fighting, but I just feel too tired
to be fighting,guess I'm not the fighting kind.
Wouldn't mind it if you were by my side
But you're long gone,
yeah you're long gone now.


It's time to start a new part of my life. Now the only hard part is just trying to figure out how to do that.

I got luggage for christmas...and I absolutly love it.

Eric cried when he opened his PS3...which made me cry too.

i want someone to love me so much that they will chase after a bus to tell me.
and i want to love them so much that i stop it so they can.

Have you ever been studying for finals and while looking at your notes you think to yourself, "What the FUCK was I smoking that day?"